Thought Gallery October 2000
October 1
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Never before seeing this Glass Clown item have I actually wished I was blind.
October 2
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Look at this funeral home coffe scoop. We've secretly replaced Aunt Ada's ashes with Folger's Crystals! Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!
October 3
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Ever feel so strongly about something that you just couldn't keep it bottled up inside? How about this "I Love Pigs sign"...
October 4
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You'd be upset too if you had cactus growing in your pants.
October 5
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What a mischievous little scamp! A butterfly has landed on his forehead, causing him to grin so wide that you could practically empty an entire pack's worth of ash right into his gruesomely disfigured mouth.

In fact, the seller points out, with this elf head ash tray you can place a still-lit ciggie right in there and the smoke will curl up out of his ears and head -- a bonus feature that is as incongruous as it is stupid.

October 6
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According to the seller -- "when these inflatable ladies legs are uninflated they can be stuck into someone's mouth". I don't even want to KNOW how he knows this.
October 7
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For the aspiring funeral director in your life, you may wish to pick up this informative volume from 1962.

Hey it's gotta beat "Funeral Services for Dummies".

October 8
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Ah, the lost art of Soft Sculpture, circa 1974.

What's that? You say you've never heard of this boundlessly creative technique? Then by all means, click for more exciting examples, straight from the book!

October 9
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Yes I can make furry novelties, but that's really none of your business, now is it?
October 10
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...and the women who love them.
October 11
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Yes, it's a plastic bag full of foam packing peanuts, but with a "clever" novelty label! The bidding on this item was set to start at five dollars. I am not kidding. The only thing that reaffirms my faith in humanity is that there were, as of yet, no bids.
October 12
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"YOU CAN SEE THE BABY" proclaimed the description accompanying this item, as if that were a major selling point of some sort.
October 13
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A transparent toilet seat, with a selection of rare coins embedded in it. The seller suggested that this item could alternatively be used as an "oval picture frame". Yes, whichever family member you frame with a toilet seat will no doubt feel loved.

Note the bear-skin rug it is placed on, and the diplomas on the wood-paneling in the background. Clearly style is no stranger in this house.

I wish I could say I was joking when I say that the bidding for this item was above $200 when I found it. I was too distraught to check back for the final bid.

October 14
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Surely somewhere in the Ceramic Pen Holder Maker's Handbook, the crucial issue of orifice placement is covered.
October 15
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After the operation, Barbara's piano playing was never quite the same.
October 16
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This then would appear to be a Poodle Magnet.
October 17
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I WANT TO BELIEVE

(Seller -- "If your child was a preemie and you want a momento of how tiny and precious she was, this is the doll for you.")

October 18
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Aren't they just precious? I love their rosy cheeks, and their wispy, blonde stalks. And, could it be? Yes! They are wearing pajamas! Let the bidding commence!
October 19
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There's just something about anthropomorphized vegetables that would make any grandmother or mentally ill person plop down a few ten-spots.

The one on the right seems to have a more "jaunty" attitude, and a passing resemblance to a young Bob Hope.

October 20
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Okay, now things are starting to get out of hand. How many variations on this theme can there possibly be? I picture some horrible sweatshop in the remotest part of southeast Asia cranking out nothing but vegetable-people salt and pepper shakers for the gullible Yankees.

The one on the left is okay, but I fear that the one on the right is going to come after me in the middle of the night with a sharpened screwdriver.

October 21
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"Okay Mr. Jacobson, now you sit tight. I just had the product idea that will rocket our humble salt and pepper shaker manufacturing facility to number one!

"We'll have a nude lady, reclining, with a coy look in her eye. 'Come to me,' she seems to say, 'pluck my HH-cup breasts from their very sockets and dispense seasoning from them.'

Great idea, huh boss? Boss?"

October 22
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So, the person auctioning this off decided it would be hilarious to make little Saddam "voodoo dolls" and sell them on the net. If only the Pentagon had known about this, millions of taxpayer dollars could have been saved.

Is it just me, or does he look more like "Pasqually" from Chuck E. Cheese than Saddam?

October 23
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Just try to tell me that this doll doesn't come to life every night, and sit at the foot of your bed, watching you, just waiting for a moment to strike. Chucky would be proud.

I do recognize that facial expression though. That's the "Not now, I'm watching USA Up All Night" face.

October 24
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So, I've always said that clowns are among the scariest things in the world. Have you ever seen a young child's reaction to a clown? There's no laughter, no joy. Just a deafening shriek and tears galore. Why subject your young to such a thing?

In any case, here's America's Favorite Clown (by volume). It kind of makes you wonder how all the red around his lips got rubbed off. Probably best not to dwell on that. Want to see the optional wistle?

October 25
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So, what do you do if you've got a bunch of empty beer cans, bottlecaps, pulltabs, the disembodied head of a doll, and no concept of female anatomy? Only one thing springs to mind!

But wait, this sassy little doll has a secret! It's amasing what clothes can hide isn't it, reveal what's under that body-hugging aluminum.

October 26
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I was disappointed to read that you only get one if you win the auction, not eight. Now I won't be able to make my hydra of disembodied Farrah Fawcett heads..
October 27
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You all scoff when I claim that sometimes, exceptionally scary dolls will come to life and follow you around with sharp objects, only to collapse innocently into a corner when you turn around.

Well, scoff no more. Need further proof? Get some holy water ready, and see.

October 28
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Looks like another Visine morning for this nightmare-inducing plaything!

Eek! No matter where I go, it's always looking right at me.

October 29
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There is so much going on in these two pictures that I don't know where to begin. We have here a lot of several puppets of varying sizes. Some finger puppets. Some loose heads. What appears to be some sort of demon on the right there, with its skin removed.

As if that weren't enough, the second picture features a headless puppet, what can only be described as a "yarn Gumby", and a most unlikely couple who look ready to make a break for it as soon as the camera looks away. Plus an completely normal looking raccoon puppet.

October 30
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"Hey baby! Come on over here! I juz want to talk to ya! Ah honey, you know I ain't been drinking. Bottle'z empty! Ain't nothin' for to drink! Now tell me all about yourself. I'm juz a li'l monkey wants to get to know ya better! (hic!) Come on, sugar! What's your sign? Ya like Gin Rummy? I'll bet ya like Gin Rummy. Sure ya do."

etc.

October 31
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Let's just say that Barbie will never borrow money from the mob again.